The Times……..The scrimper’s guide to travel

You can have a swanky holiday on a budget – you just have to scrimp.

Serial cheapskate Matt Rudd in the Times offers a lesson in frugality

I’m like a rich person, only without the money.

By which I mean I’m tight – not dry-teabags-on-a-draining-board tight, but I like to look after the pounds (I’m not bothered at all what the pennies do).

And I love a bargain, especially when I’m on holiday. Trouble is, I don’t like to subject myself readily to holiday misery.

I refuse to save £50 by flying from somewhere horrible, such as Stansted, at some godforsaken hour, on a plane that won’t allocate me a seat or serve me a nice bloody mary. And I won’t stay in a two-star tower block at the wrong end of town just because it’s a third of the price of somewhere good. 

I get all Michael Winnerish about the size of a swimming pool. Clearly, this presents something of a catch 22. I am not rich, but I have a rich man’s tastes. I like bargains, but I refuse to skimp.

The only way I can ever be happy is when I have my cake, I eat it and it costs much less than all the other cakes. It’s not easy but, over the years, I have developed a system to make these cake demands possible.

I splash out on the things that matter (proper airline/decent hotel/large pool) and scrimp mercilessly on the rest. And it works, sort of. Here it is…

1. SMUGGLE DRINKS AND SNACKS

It is quite astonishing what hotels have the nerve to charge for a bog-standard drink or a packet of non-fancy crisps or plain old water.

The last time I looked, a hotel that will remain nameless (actually, no it won’t, it’s the Metropolitan on Hyde Park Corner) wanted £3.50 for a KitKat, and, just a few doors up, another (Claridge’s) was asking £4.50 for a Coke. I simply won’t have it.

I pop out with a rucksack, find the nearest 7-Eleven and stock up on all the essentials: water, cashews, the local beer, maybe a bottle of wine, and so on.

If I arrive in the middle of the night, I attack only the easily replaceable items, such as Evian or Coke, then sneak out to buy new ones the next morning.

If the hotel has one of those ruthlessly automated minibars that charges your account the second you remove something,

I have an enormous argument at reception about how unfair life is, until they refund the item I never drank (even though I did).

2. GET A TAKEAWAY

Eating in your room might be incredibly unassimilating and lazy of you, but who cares, you’ve got jet lag.

You’re lying on your bed with your shoes on, watching bad TV because you’re not going to pay £15 for a good movie… and you’re hungry. Why restrict yourself to the miserable and overpriced room-service menu?

Ask the concierge for the top takeaway options, then call and get something sent over. If the concierge knows his stuff, the food will be much better, too.

3. NICK LUNCH FROM THE BREAKFAST BUFFET

This is quite low-rent, but what do they expect if they put out lunch-based items (cheese, ham, steak, champagne) at breakfast?

I make the sandwiches and bag them long before I’ve finished breakfast.

I figure it’s subtler that way. This serves two purposes: it proves there is such a thing as a free lunch and it means I can picnic where I drop: on the beach, in a park, halfway around a museum. And I was kidding about the champagne… it’s too difficult to sneak out in a napkin.

4. …OR HAVE A FANCY LUNCH RATHER THAN A FANCY DINNER

Why is lunch less expensive than dinner?

It’s the same food, but the laws of supply and demand mean most restaurateurs have to work harder to fill the room in the daytime.

Gordon Ramsay is as good a benchmark as any. His restaurant at The London, in Manhattan, has a three-course lunch menu for £23.

In the evening, three courses will cost you more than double that. And the great thing about being on holiday is you are allowed a long lunch. And you can sleep it off in the afternoon without getting the sack.

5. TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF HAPPY HOUR

We British are fast acquiring a reputation as the world’s greatest binge-drinkers.

Don’t let the side down.

Many hotels offer free or cheap drinks in the evenings – neck the cocktails like you’re steeling yourself for a date with a supermodel, and don’t be coy with the canapés either.

They’re so good at Hong Kong’s InterContinental (if you’ve splashed out on a room on the executive floor) that you won’t need dinner – which is lucky, because you won’t be able to afford it.

6. DON’T USE A HOTEL TRANSFER

It’s nice to have a man in a smart uniform holding a sign with your misspelt name on it when you arrive at the airport, but transfers are a definite no-no for scrimpers.

Ditto airport taxis.

In Tokyo, a taxi from Narita into town costs more than £100, but the perfectly decent airport coach costs £13.

That leaves you an awful lot of cash to spend in flashy, Michelin-starred restaurants.

From Newark into New York, the taxi costs $45-$55 because, unfortunately for scrimpers, this is a tipping culture.

The train costs $5, no tip, leaving $50 for cocktails.

7. NEVER ROAM WITH YOUR MOBILE. NOT EVER

Last year, the EU did a good thing: it capped mobile roaming charges.

So you won’t get home from a brief but chatty weekend in, say, Paris, and find you have to sell the urn you keep granny’s ashes in to pay your phone bill.

Still, there are few phone conversations worth £1.30 a minute, which is what Orange would love to charge me to call home from the States. Well, hah!

There are cheaper ways: www.0044.co.uk sells Sim cards for specific countries for £20; on the USA Sim, you can then receive calls for free, make local calls for 18p/min and call home for 18p (mobiles 32p).

Sadly, it deactivates after a month unless you top up with $60. So the super-scrimper might prefer the same company’s virtual phone card, which allows, for example, 3p/min calls from land lines in the USA. It’s a no-brainer.

8. MAKE THE MOST OF MONDAY

Museums, galleries and exhibitions the world over offer free admission on Mondays to let the impoverished locals have a squizz. How very civic.

But scrimpers are impoverished too after refusing to take advantage of a 1p flight. Do wandering around, beach, eating – whatever it is you get up to – over the weekend and squeeze all the free stuff in on Monday.

9. …OR BUY A CITY PASS

I know it’s boring going into the tourist office, but most cities/regions/ islands sell good-value combi-tickets. Free public transport plus half-price into Sea World, that sort of thing. Scrimper’s paradise.

10. ALWAYS ASK TO CHANGE ROOMS

This works about one in seven times and is entirely reprehensible, but anyway… you arrive at your hotel and check into your standard room.

Five minutes in, call reception: you don’t like the size of the bath, the height of the ceilings, the size of the bed, the curtains, the carpet.

It’s not, you tell them mournfully, what you expect from a hotel of such reputedly impeccable standards.

Flustered, they may offer to move you to another room.

You say, look, I’m not unreasonable, but won’t it have the same smelly carpet/sofa/bed? T

hey say probably.

You say, generously, I’ll pay to upgrade.

They either say: no, sod off or yes, it will cost a nominal and scrimpable fee; or no need, we’ll put you in a deluxe suite, sorry for the inconvenience.

The customer is sometimes right.

A Report by The Mole from The Times